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Paranoia devours her being
Her nerves involute
Forming a brittle knot
Her ticker circulates acid
That dissipates her soul
Her past;
A black widow’s death grip
She breaks

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Quench the hollowness,
The paganist,
That perforated her skin

An antagonistic aroma,
The burnt flesh, the black salt, the graveyard dirt, a sulphuric dew

Rise from the fire
and liquefy the bone that holds her intact

Collapse

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Skin-tight vessel
Unmitigated pandemonium
Preconditioned to self-destruct

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A scattered void
Volatile and incohesive
She sheds what remains of her sullen skin, blue
Flesh and bones, grey
Deep and hollow
The tips of her fingers weep
As she becomes rather irrelevant
A vessel saturated
A melting pot of oxymorons
A juxtiposition of irregularities and discrepant emotions,
No, emotions are human
Etherial, she is
A caliginous hollow projection

Sense is nonexistent where she dwells
The clock ‘there’ turns clockwise
The clock ‘here’ spins diagonally anti-clockwise
Now, she lurks beneath a perceivable shadow
Unfitting, idle, unknowing
Just so that she can pass as a living being

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There is nothing to be done
but to patient
and wish that I can find some happiness

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I hope my agony
Rings your larynx to splinters
Like shrapnels they dive down to pierce your lungs
and infuse its air into me
The air you took away, forcefully
For I need to exhale the death that your subsistence evoked in my being
Like a lingering itch, it bedeviled me
Until I felt it lock around my sanity
And now I am more hopeless and helpless than ever
But patience dear…
I won’t keep drowning in the blood of a Bast*** forever

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You made an oath on blood
You then stripped it all away
I loathe you

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I am scattered
I wander aimlessly in dark rotten corners
I get lost even in the most brightly lit of rooms
I was never whole
How could one live a life like that?

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I was a happy person trapped in a sad person’s body…
With you

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Give me closure
I want to move on
My feet has been cemented to the floor for so long
I want to heal
For you, once more contaminated a wound
that was already sealed with dried blood

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It is hard to leave and let go

Not for the energy invested
Not for the heart that didn’t ache as it should have when we drifted apart
But for the time that passed

Not for the tears and pain that got wasted
Not for the laughter that reverberated on our walls
But for the time that was swallowed away by our negligence

It is time to grow

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Maybe I knew what I wanted
But I needed to feel what I wanted…
To move on
From what I didn’t want

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When your heart knows God
The truth is set in your heart
When you keep questioning something so much ,
Know that it is not the truth
For the truth is light on the heart and is easy to sink in

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I am tired of who I am
I am tired of struggling for something so little
I am tired of the endless dark vortex of depression I keep spiralling towards, no matter how much I try not to
I am tired of the anxiety attacks, the panic attacks, the frustration that keeps pulling me downwards
I am tired of being so angry and not knowing why
I am tired of running around for professional satisfaction that never seems to happen
I am tired of fighting, shattering to the ground and then reluctantly getting back up
I am tired of pretending to be patient
I am tired of going back to square one everytime I reach a new level of faithfulness
I am tired of struggling to look good for this piece of crap of a world
I am tired of the restlessness, of fighting alone, of being misunderstood, of not being able to express how I feel
I am tired because no matter what I do I don’t know how to live
Outlookers see me and envy me for how much I laugh…but they don’t know how it really feels
And the envy further disintegrates what’s left of me
I am tired because I do not know how to be happy, or for that matter make anyone happy
I can keep going on but my heart has become too constricted to pour it all out

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If only I could take a picture of how I feel right now
Like a melting pot of emotions
One merging into the other
Love into hatred
Happiness into sadness
Clarity into confusion
Patience into impatience
Peace into anger
motivation into frustration
Life into death
Giving into taking
Colliding , combining
Tension, ever so strong
I lost myself a long time ago and I dont know how to go back